Heavy Lungs

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One more test down…It’s February 19, 2016.

One year has passed since I was last diagnosed.

Nerves from anticipation

Awkward jokes to fill the void. 

The Doc walks in, 

His sympathetic eyes glance towards me and they dart away just as quickly. 

He delivers the somber news, 

Cancer, again…

Everything goes quiet for a minute.

All I can see is the hurt in my father’s eyes. 

Blue seas of sadness and distress, but I’m thankful I wasn’t alone this time.

It isn’t what we wanted to hear.

Please tell me the results are all just lies.

Recurrence of cervical cells, heavy lungs,

a feeling of drowning in myself trying to find the answers to questions long unsettled.

A strong front, trying to remain emotionless, until we walk out the doors of the medical complex.

A sharp gasp for fresh air and tears come flooding out, I lose all control.

A dreaded feeling comes over me as I reach for my cell phone.

So many calls to make…my heart aches, 

It breaks.

When will this nightmare ever end?

Heavy lungs as I rendered up the courage to make the first call.

Line after line the sound of sadness and disappointment of loved ones overwhelms me. 

The all too familiar game of win or lose ignites the question:

Am I strong enough to survive a second time? 

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